I've tried BFGminer, CGminer, and GUIminer. I'm registered on Slush's Pool. I can't get BFGminer.exe to even open though and GUIminer refuses to connect to Slush's Pool even if I manually put in the new address. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Can someone please help me? I'm super new to this if you can't tell.
You cannot mine Bitcoin on a desktop (or laptop) computer these days. If you are trying to mine Bitcoin on Slush, you will need an ASIC. You can potentially mine ZCash on Slush, if you have a high performance graphics card. Slush does not support directly mining any other coins.
Currently you can't mine BTC on your normal PC or laptop because now bitcoin blockchain dificulty lavel is too high . So you have to mine using cloud mining system and best performanable machine (E.G. Intel i9 board & processor, 8 GB DDR 4 RAM, Coller master SMPS also with a 1000 watt power supply and Nvidia TitanXP - Pascal - 3840 Cuda Cores - 12GB GDDR5X ) .
That is a only one way to mine BTC now days .